The truth, without guilt
|October 24, 2011||Posted by Melinda under Uncategorized|
Honesty is the policy right?
This is me being totally honest.
I haven’t done any riding
I haven’t done any mounting exercises
I haven’t done any pony cuddling
I paid my sister to pick up manure for me last week.
I pay someone else to feed.
I paid someone else to come up with a solution to keep Farley from killing a tree that’s in her pasture.
It’s been a week since I saw my horse from a distance of closer than 50 feet.
It’s been a week since I touched my horse.
The truth is that I have been having a hard time taking care of myself. The problem isn’t time, or ability, or motivation.
I thought that I had handled the transition from being single-my-time-and-money-is-my-own to most-definitely-committed rather well. From a salaried part of the work force to a full time graduate student. From no commute to a 1 hour 10 minute commute. From a full time endurance rider, to an endurance rider of uncertain status.
But the truth is that I have a lot of mental housekeeping and clean up to do.
It’s nothing new, but it’s been exacerbated by the major changes…….
So, I wiped the slate clean. Obviously my mental and physical health comes first, and while ponies and blogging are important to that mental health….there are some more basic needs that need to be cemented first.
You could call them my “foundations”. (remember how much I love foundation work?).
My foundation work is based in running. Recently I was formally diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder. Medication, which I tried, is not an option. Running is the ONLY activity, besides sleeping, that my brain turns off. Thus, when I realized I having a lot of trouble focusing in school and following through, as well as a very low frusteration threshold with Tess, I asked the question – how good is my foundation? Where did my running go? Why can’t I manage this disorder as successfully now as I have in the past?
The answer was it had somehow the most important foundation in my life, running and physical exercise, had disappeared in my life transitions.
For the last 2 weeks I have focused on my physical well-being – specifically running. With regular exercise, other parts of my foundation have clicked into place – nutrition, sleep, other physical activities and there has been a dramatic difference in my tolerance towards puppy behavior and significant others, and my focus in school.
With running now consistently a habit (the ‘ole 14 day rule), I’m ready to add back the pony piece to my little “Mel’s sanity pyramid”.
Just like when I added the running piece – it doesn’t matter WHAT I do as long as I do it and reestablish the habit of ponies. Here’s my plan. Pony days (defined as any day I get out of school before 3pm) will include a ride. A ride is defined as getting on Farley’s back and actually exiting the gate on my parent’s property. Riding in any form seems to be the foundation piece of my pony time – so I fully expect that my mounting exercises and hoof care will fall into place when my riding does. Just like my other “physical care” activities fell into place once I was regularly running.
As usual, I will continue to blog the journey and continue to relate with honesty my endurance journey. Blogging is important – feeling guilty because I’ve put ponies on hold for a relatively short time is unnecessary and not helpful. So, I’m resisting the urge to fill the blog with contorted tales of woe and guilt. I know what the issue is. I know how to “fix” it. I’m doing my best to do so. I write of these struggles not to garner sympathy – but to share a very real part of my endurance journey – Balancing my endurance riding with the other needs in my life, including the need to keep myself healthy and sane.
I know that the stages of my endurance “journey” are not unique and it is my hope that by “keepin’ it real” here at Boots and Saddles, inspires and comforts those readers and friends that are going through similar “valley”.
I’ll see you at the top! 🙂