I’m working on a post, but then I got distracted by my whining
| August 19, 2015 | Posted by Melinda under Uncategorized |
“What???????” (you say…) “you are working on a MID-month link luv? Say it isn’t so! It’s not that I don’t enjoy wasting copious amounts of time on these things but when are you going to actually write something?”
I’m trying. I really am. I’m in a funk and I’m trying to drag myself out of it, but in the meantime the best I can do is sit in the mornings with my coffee and read blog posts by other bloggers who are actually writing something and before I know it I have dozens of links. Way too many to save for the end of the month when, who knows, I might have a HUNDRED. (probably not, but way more then you want to sift through at one time anyways).
Back to my funk. I don’t owe you an explanation, but I’m going to tell you anyways, because you guys are my friends. And really, honesty is the best policy. I’ve avoided posting on the subject because once I post something I have a policy of not removing posts, even if I regret posting them in the first place. And this is a post that I could see really regretting. But as usual, the drive to post true and honest things where I am in the journey right now overrides my good judgement and so let the word vomit begin.
Warning, there’s profanity in the next paragraph or two (I haven’t decided the full extent of it yet). If you don’t like profanity, or are offended by honesty, this is probably not the post you should read. Go read something else I wrote, or look at my badly drawn cartoons.
I fucking hate being pregnant.
Period.
It’s not magical, it’s not a “special” time. The single redeeming aspect is that pregnancy is a finite thing that is eventually over. At most I’ll be pregnant for 9 more weeks, because now they induce you if you go to 42 weeks. Realistically it could be over in 7 weeks, and if I’m lucky I’ll go a little early and be done in FIVE while still having a full term baby. I hate being pregnant so much that while breast feeding is also something that holds a particular revulsion for me and makes me thank God every day that at least that stage is finite too, AND if I really find it unbearable I can spend the money and do something else, I suspect that I will find breastfeeding an infant every 3 min throughout the day and night far more enjoyable then this, which is saying something.
And no, my “bad attitude” has nothing to do with the fact I’m in my third trimester. In fact, the third trimester is a bit easier because I can finally see the end coming. Every single stage of pregnancy has been difficult for me in it’s own way and when I look back on first and second trimesters, it’s not with rosy colored glasses – as far as I’m concerned no “honeymoon” period in pregnancy exists. Objectively this pregnancy hasn’t been the easiest one, but it hasn’t been the worst either if you want to compare typical pregnant women trials and tribulations. The thing is, that doesn’t matter. It’s like me telling you that you should love running! It’s great, awesome and worth the sacrifice in time, body parts, and cost. That’s not a great argument if you don’t like running in the first place.
I often find that people’s arguments for telling me what I *should* love about pregnancy are exactly the things that I find the most annoying about being pregnant. I find the baby moving to be at the best annoying, and at the worst, uncomfortable. Most people I talk to are envious of my distinct lack of fatigue at any point during pregnancy. I’ve taken exactly 2 naps in 7 months. Once in the afternoon after a difficult 1/2 marathon. Once a couple of weeks ago after a particularly bad insomnia night where I got 2 hours of sleep and then proceeded to work a 10 hour day. That’s been it. In fact, I’ve had to cut out caffeine simply because I feel like an over-caffeinated ADHD squirrel every single second of the day, never mind taking a nap. Which means I cannot pass the time unconscious to time passing while napping. No, I get to be awake for every single possible second. Wonderful. And for the record let’s despell some other pregnancy myths that people are so fond of. If you couldn’t eat “whatever you wanted” prior to pregnancy, you won’t be able to do it in pregnancy either. And before you ask, no there’s been no cravings or revulsions. Also, you really can spend the entire pregnancy being slightly nauseous every single morning, and in the beginning you will think “how lucky”, but it will get really old when 33 weeks in you are STILL “slightly” nauseous.
I could go on but I won’t (deleted another 2 paragraphs worth of the ridiculousness). Again, imagine me telling you, who hates running, that running is WONDERFUL because of the wonderful soreness the next day that means you cannot even sit on the toilet without help, the dizzy feeling you get at the end of a good interval work out, and while you can’t eat anything you want even if you are running marathons and beyond – it’s OK because you’ll want to feel your best when you toe the start line anyways. (crap in = crap out right?). Not very convincing eh? Oh, and when you continue to tell me that you really don’t like running, now imagine I smugly tell you that you just need to think more positive thoughts and learn to appreciate the biology of what happens when you run. It really is extraordinary.
I don’t want to give the impression that I think this is all a mistake – on the contrary my life circumstances mean I’m well set up for both pregnancy and early infanthood. I have plenty of time to ride and run (although the last 2 weeks I’ve done very little of either, having to focus on some other family stuff since I’m reportably a semi-responsible adult) and I have a job pays well, has excellent hours, and no commute (which significantly contributes to my ability to find the time to ride, run, walk, hike, visit friends, write blog posts etc.). I was (and am) absolutely positive there was no better time to spend a year taking a break from running, riding, and significant career decisions and I stand by that decision. I’m still incredibly burnt out from school and wouldn’t have been capable of full time work pregnant or not, and if I had continued to run at the rate I did last year it was just a matter of time until injury, rather then choice, set me back.
Trust me, I know all this. I also know that having a child is something me and my husband really wanted. These facts do not make my feelings about BEING pregnant any less valid. This is NOT a rant because I can’t do my “regular” activities, or lamenting “loss of control” (any “control” you think you have in life is an illusion whether you are pregnant or not). So please don’t misunderstand me.
So how am I doing? “Fine.”
Because what else am I suppose to say that won’t make you run and plan an intervention on the behalf of my mental health? The best thing that doesn’t need to be said because we both know it’s true is that it will be over soon. However bad the first 2 weeks post partum will be (as some well-intentioned people will no doubt try to assure me when they crack jokes about how I should want to stay pregnant as long as possible when I’m 2 weeks over due – EVERYONE in my family goes over due), I can GUARANTEE you will it will not touch the level of hatred I have for being pregnant.
That is what my response of “fine” means.
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Off to go on a several hour hike with MerryLegs. Because there’s a chance that in a couple of years, I just might be hiking down some canyons with her at her first Tevis. As long as there’s a big rock at the bottom of the canyon that I can use as a mounting block of course.
Bwwwahahaha! You go and rant/whine/scream or whatevs gets you through it. Both my pregnancies were pretty ‘meh’ and people damn near had interventions on me because I wasn’t all ‘yeah me!’ about it. I didn’t hate it, but didn’t love it either. People are pretty uncomfortable when you say pregancy sucks because naturally if you are unhappy being preganant you are going to smother your child with a pillow. “Ummm, no, but thanks for jumping to THAT conclusion.” haha! Just keep telling yourself the finish line is just around the corner (even though you know it isn’t, because its really around the corner, down the street, up the hill, around the bend and will end with a nice screaming fo-ev-ah incline!). Signed: Mother of two humans who dispite my worst parenting efforts, grew up to be wonderful young adults.
I’ve been thoroughly reassured that I will not love my child any less even though I hate pregnancy so I feel perfect entitled to have whatever opinion I want about this ridiculous biological process!!!!! 🙂 (thxs – your comment made me smile).
And here I was feeling a little jealous because you seemed to be having such an easy pregnancy… I loathed being pregnant. The only thing that makes me consider doing it again is that my baby is such a joy. You’re in the home stretch, it’s going to get worse before the end but you are almost there!!
I think that whether it’s an easy or hard pregnancy has very little to do with how much enjoyment I would feel. If it was really “hard” then it would just be easier to complain because people would click knowingly and sigh that I had a rough go at it. But even though there’s been relatively minor stuff here and there, there is nothing that actually logically explains how much I hate it and that is a hard thing for a lot of people to understand.
I must admit that I felt empowered to write this post after a friend confided in my that a mutual acquaintance also didn’t care much for the baby moving around in utero. Somehow hearing that made me brave enough to write honestly even if I still am not brave enough to link this post to my regular facebook feed!!!
I’m driving home now after a 6.2 mile hot (95 degree) mid day hike/run that went really well. I’m immensely grateful I’m still able do stuff like that and I think perhaps that gives people the wrong impression about how “easy” pregnancy is for me?
I must admit that you saying that it’s just going to get more awful before its over makes me a little sad. But I’m sure it’s the truth and I appreciated the sentiment of your comment 🙂
I almost didn’t write that because I don’t want to discourage you, so I’m glad you got the feeling behind it 🙂 Also I will admit that the baby kicking was not one of my favorite things either, it was just sort of… weird.
your comparison with people talking about how wonderful running is made this entire post a lovely jewel of a thing. Since I’ve never been pregnant (and that was a deliberate choice) and I hate running, I will choose to think you wrote the whole thing for me…and then I will ask if there’s anything I can do for you. Anything? Anything at all?
I’m not sure? I think right now because I’m still active and getting out of the house I feel OK. I think would I would LOVE from you is a list of books (reading books, not audio books) starting at week 37 of pregnancy, that will last me through week 2 or 3 post partum. I’ll be sticking close to home and probably not even able to do my hikes and having copious amounts of reading material to devour will go a long ways towards making me content. Week 37 starts September 20th. I have access to a good library system and overdrive. I haven’t mass-read in quantity since before vet school. I love all sorts of books an genres but young adult, especially with a fantasy or sci fi component is my favorite. Don’t give me a list BEFORE then because then I don’t have anything to look forward to.
I LOVE that by chance I happened to pick the perfect comparison for you. That is just too perfect. My husband loathes running too.
I’d love to compile a list for you! When you want it, let me know…usually takes only a day or so to assemble. It’s okay to be as vague or precise as you like, too I.e.. “I like fantasy with swords and wizards but not with talking animals…or whatever.
Pregnancy has always sounded like one long body horror flick to me. I’m sorry it’s so inescapably miserable for you, and I thank you for the honesty (and entertainment). Hope you had a great hike.
Hannah it’s funny that you used the word “inescapable” since just yesterday I decided one thing that makes pregnancy really annoying is the inability to to walk away from it for even a couple of seconds. This isn’t true of even having a small infant and is the reason we all hate planes. If your child is annoying the shit out of you and you just can’t take it any more, you can step outside or into the other room for a couple of minutes and it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Dogs can go into their kennels and I can pretend I don’t have dogs for a while after they do something completely inexcusable. The pony can (and has) been tied to something on the trail and walked away from so that I could collect my thoughts and not beat the bejeezes out of it through sheer frusteration. These are all very normal human like responses. “Parenthood” may be forever (although I would argue it looks radically different once your children are adults) but it isn’t “always”. Pregnancy? THAT is always. You can take a shower without an infant clinging to you (yea for spouses!) but I can’t walk away from the child kicking me right now even though it’s something I really don’t like. It’s that inability to escape even for one second that I think makes the whole situation a particular horror for me.
I did have an excellent hike :). Ended up taking Tess instead of ML and we did a part of the WS trail. 6.2 miles of running and power hiking. I felt more beat afterwards than I have after some marathons so I know I got an EXCELLENT work out – both cardio AND muscles. My calves are even a little sore today :). Tess was tired (finally!) and slept the hour home – she had been SO BORED yesterday morning and constantly demanding attention and trying to engage me in play so it was nice to get outdoors and get her some miles. It’s exactly the sort of thing I would do with a baby – put them in a pack and get some hiking miles in.
I am so sorry this has been so awful. I really can’t imagine because I chose that I was not a good candidate to be a mom. I never wanted to be inconvenienced and I figured if my view of it was such, it was probably not for me. I could never quite come to terms with being “needed” day and night by someone and having to give in to take care of those needs. Selfish? Yes probably, but atleast I recognized that and chose against going forward with it anyways like so many women do.
Regrets?? hmmmm.. not really..
I turn 40 this year, and I can’t say I have ever regretted my decision. I see other women my age with children and I think, ” that could be me.. and I am so glad it’s not.. ” . I have never experienced that over whelming urge to have a baby that everyone always told me I would get at some point.. ( I have with Puppies, kittens, horses, , but never a human baby) The only time I kind of think I wish I had kids is when I think about when I am old.. and wonder who is going to take care of me 🙂 For you, you are unhappy now but it is clearly a temporary thing, f you truly wanted to be a parent, then I guess the pregnancy itself is a pretty short period of time in the broader scheme of things to suffer through. Life will go on and you will look back and forget most of this in years to come..
Glad your still getting out and doing some of what you love.
I totally get you and I think there’s finally a growing respect for people who choose not to have children. Although I’m perfectly happy with my choice I have to say I would have been perfectly happy and fulfilled tif it had not worked out too. I don’t need to be a parent to feel fulfilled and happy. It’s worked out for me but it’s not the right decision for everyone AND there’s so many people who desperately want kids that can’t that I concluded a long time ago it was better to choose happiness regardless of the ability to have kids because so often that dream won’t come true.
In some ways wouldn’t it be awful to love pregnancy? It’s such a short period of time that can only occur at a very limited time. It would be like taking a drug that you could never go back to.
Thanks so much for your comment. 🙂 love your insights and thoughtfulness here and on your own blog
I just posted this on facebook and thought some of you that aren’t fb friends with me would find this article interesting: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/08/thinking-about-pregnancy-like-an-economist/278874/?nl=upshot&em_pos=large&emc=edit_up_20150814
I think it helps define some of my frusteration with being pregnant – dealing with the human medical field. Here’s what I posted on FB:
So here’s the deal. If you read my blog lately then you know that I’m not exactly the warm and fuzzy type about pregnancy. Here’s an excellent article for those of you that find my frustration completely mystifying as I navigate pregnancy and dealing with the human side of the medical field (and why I’ve come to loathe the human medical system in general over the last 5 years after dealing with a number of issues, not just being pregnant). This article describes EXACTLY the way I feel.
I am trained as a scientist. Not only that, I am trained as an APPLIED science professional in the MEDICAL field, with training that is remarkably like this economist. And like this author, I have found that pregnancy is a list of rather arbitrary rules and recommendations that exist independent of logic, science, and the actual body of scientific literature. Like this author, I have had to step back, do my own research (using primary articles in the MAINSTREAM scientific community, NOT internet or book commentary, or ….) to guide my own decisions – some of which have conflicted with what my health care team would like me to do. I remind myself daily that my participation in what they would like me to do is voluntary. We have the same goals. The difference is that I want/need to have a conversation about relative risk and odds because I am more then my gender, age, and reproductive status – and they want/need to care for a population of people. And as I think we all know, the one-size-fits all approach doesnt work nearly as well for individuals as it does populations.
Thank you for your honesty, Mel. The running comparison was spot-on for those of us that just can’t come to grips with being passionate about running. 😉
There are many, many, MANY reasons why I choose to be child-free, with the main reasons echoing Jonna’s above. Pregnancy seems like a horrible experience, and I find that the older I’ve gotten, the less appealing it is. The part of the baby growing seems magical to me, but the part of the toll it takes on the mother’s body seems like a nightmare. There seems to be nothing a mother-to-be can do to sway the odds in their favor of having an “easy” (aka smooth) pregnancy. It goes however it is going to go, whether you want it to or not. Just like the child: he/she will have their own personality, likes, dislikes, preferences and spirit, whether we like it or not. At age 25, I might have been swayed in the direction of having a child. There was one year there where I thought, “Hmmm…it might not be so bad to be a parent.” And then I actually started enjoying my life for the first time (I did nothing other than ride and study all the way through college; there was a very strict curfew at my family’s house up until I was aged 20, when my grandmother, who implemented that curfew, passed away. During that time, my life was easier if I followed that curfew instead of disobeying) and it’s a spontaneity and an independence that I hold onto dearly. I greatly admire those who joyfully and knowingly plan to have children in their lives, because it is those people that make the very best parents. Like Funder, and like I’m sure you will be too!
I’m glad that your pregnancy has been smooth enough that you can still go out and do the things you love!
I have two children and hated being pregnant both times. And although I love my children deeply I’m not a big fan of babies. I have a 10 y.o. and a 2 y.o. and adore the current life stages.
For a long time, I felt like I was missing some mothering gene because I didn’t like those early stages. Now I just don’t worry about it and go on adventures with my kids because we can! I’m a much better mother the older my kids get.