I’m working on a post, but then I got distracted by my whining
|August 19, 2015||Posted by Melinda under Uncategorized|
“What???????” (you say…) “you are working on a MID-month link luv? Say it isn’t so! It’s not that I don’t enjoy wasting copious amounts of time on these things but when are you going to actually write something?”
I’m trying. I really am. I’m in a funk and I’m trying to drag myself out of it, but in the meantime the best I can do is sit in the mornings with my coffee and read blog posts by other bloggers who are actually writing something and before I know it I have dozens of links. Way too many to save for the end of the month when, who knows, I might have a HUNDRED. (probably not, but way more then you want to sift through at one time anyways).
Back to my funk. I don’t owe you an explanation, but I’m going to tell you anyways, because you guys are my friends. And really, honesty is the best policy. I’ve avoided posting on the subject because once I post something I have a policy of not removing posts, even if I regret posting them in the first place. And this is a post that I could see really regretting. But as usual, the drive to post true and honest things where I am in the journey right now overrides my good judgement and so let the word vomit begin.
Warning, there’s profanity in the next paragraph or two (I haven’t decided the full extent of it yet). If you don’t like profanity, or are offended by honesty, this is probably not the post you should read. Go read something else I wrote, or look at my badly drawn cartoons.
I fucking hate being pregnant.
It’s not magical, it’s not a “special” time. The single redeeming aspect is that pregnancy is a finite thing that is eventually over. At most I’ll be pregnant for 9 more weeks, because now they induce you if you go to 42 weeks. Realistically it could be over in 7 weeks, and if I’m lucky I’ll go a little early and be done in FIVE while still having a full term baby. I hate being pregnant so much that while breast feeding is also something that holds a particular revulsion for me and makes me thank God every day that at least that stage is finite too, AND if I really find it unbearable I can spend the money and do something else, I suspect that I will find breastfeeding an infant every 3 min throughout the day and night far more enjoyable then this, which is saying something.
And no, my “bad attitude” has nothing to do with the fact I’m in my third trimester. In fact, the third trimester is a bit easier because I can finally see the end coming. Every single stage of pregnancy has been difficult for me in it’s own way and when I look back on first and second trimesters, it’s not with rosy colored glasses – as far as I’m concerned no “honeymoon” period in pregnancy exists. Objectively this pregnancy hasn’t been the easiest one, but it hasn’t been the worst either if you want to compare typical pregnant women trials and tribulations. The thing is, that doesn’t matter. It’s like me telling you that you should love running! It’s great, awesome and worth the sacrifice in time, body parts, and cost. That’s not a great argument if you don’t like running in the first place.
I often find that people’s arguments for telling me what I *should* love about pregnancy are exactly the things that I find the most annoying about being pregnant. I find the baby moving to be at the best annoying, and at the worst, uncomfortable. Most people I talk to are envious of my distinct lack of fatigue at any point during pregnancy. I’ve taken exactly 2 naps in 7 months. Once in the afternoon after a difficult 1/2 marathon. Once a couple of weeks ago after a particularly bad insomnia night where I got 2 hours of sleep and then proceeded to work a 10 hour day. That’s been it. In fact, I’ve had to cut out caffeine simply because I feel like an over-caffeinated ADHD squirrel every single second of the day, never mind taking a nap. Which means I cannot pass the time unconscious to time passing while napping. No, I get to be awake for every single possible second. Wonderful. And for the record let’s despell some other pregnancy myths that people are so fond of. If you couldn’t eat “whatever you wanted” prior to pregnancy, you won’t be able to do it in pregnancy either. And before you ask, no there’s been no cravings or revulsions. Also, you really can spend the entire pregnancy being slightly nauseous every single morning, and in the beginning you will think “how lucky”, but it will get really old when 33 weeks in you are STILL “slightly” nauseous.
I could go on but I won’t (deleted another 2 paragraphs worth of the ridiculousness). Again, imagine me telling you, who hates running, that running is WONDERFUL because of the wonderful soreness the next day that means you cannot even sit on the toilet without help, the dizzy feeling you get at the end of a good interval work out, and while you can’t eat anything you want even if you are running marathons and beyond – it’s OK because you’ll want to feel your best when you toe the start line anyways. (crap in = crap out right?). Not very convincing eh? Oh, and when you continue to tell me that you really don’t like running, now imagine I smugly tell you that you just need to think more positive thoughts and learn to appreciate the biology of what happens when you run. It really is extraordinary.
I don’t want to give the impression that I think this is all a mistake – on the contrary my life circumstances mean I’m well set up for both pregnancy and early infanthood. I have plenty of time to ride and run (although the last 2 weeks I’ve done very little of either, having to focus on some other family stuff since I’m reportably a semi-responsible adult) and I have a job pays well, has excellent hours, and no commute (which significantly contributes to my ability to find the time to ride, run, walk, hike, visit friends, write blog posts etc.). I was (and am) absolutely positive there was no better time to spend a year taking a break from running, riding, and significant career decisions and I stand by that decision. I’m still incredibly burnt out from school and wouldn’t have been capable of full time work pregnant or not, and if I had continued to run at the rate I did last year it was just a matter of time until injury, rather then choice, set me back.
Trust me, I know all this. I also know that having a child is something me and my husband really wanted. These facts do not make my feelings about BEING pregnant any less valid. This is NOT a rant because I can’t do my “regular” activities, or lamenting “loss of control” (any “control” you think you have in life is an illusion whether you are pregnant or not). So please don’t misunderstand me.
So how am I doing? “Fine.”
Because what else am I suppose to say that won’t make you run and plan an intervention on the behalf of my mental health? The best thing that doesn’t need to be said because we both know it’s true is that it will be over soon. However bad the first 2 weeks post partum will be (as some well-intentioned people will no doubt try to assure me when they crack jokes about how I should want to stay pregnant as long as possible when I’m 2 weeks over due – EVERYONE in my family goes over due), I can GUARANTEE you will it will not touch the level of hatred I have for being pregnant.
That is what my response of “fine” means.
Off to go on a several hour hike with MerryLegs. Because there’s a chance that in a couple of years, I just might be hiking down some canyons with her at her first Tevis. As long as there’s a big rock at the bottom of the canyon that I can use as a mounting block of course.