I’m taking a break
|December 12, 2014||Posted by Melinda under Uncategorized|
I’m taking a break from blogging. At least through next week.
There’s 2 perfectly logical reasons
- I’m technically starting my honeymoon tomorrow anyways and really shouldn’t be on my computer (at least according to my husband).
- I also have to take this site down anyways to migrate the hosting over to a different provider (thus eliminating at least one of my current controllable frustrations) so the timing on the blogging break is good. When doing something like this, I can count on breaking the site at least a half-dozen times during the process and this gives me some time and space to troubleshoot it before putting up new content.
And…then there’s probably the real reason…..
The other project is I need to do is to provide some direction for myself for the next year. Because right now, besides MerryLegs going off to Amber’s in March/April, there is zip. Nada.
As exciting as it is that MerryLegs is starting the first phase of her training (and trust me, I’m really excited) it really doesn’t mean a whole lot in the context of *my year*.
I suspect a lot of my discontent now (of which I deleted several paragraphs on the subject that were gracing the beginning of this post. You’re welcome.) is that 2015 stretches out like a vast stretch of nothing-ness.
Most of the time a new year is an exciting fresh canvas. Looking at 2015 it’s hard for me not to resent it even before it starts. 2015 is one of those big transition years where life on the other side is uncertain and you plan at the risk of being disappointed. Truly it’s better to go into one of those years with your eyes wide open, ready to take advantage of opportunities, and not try to dictate them beforehand.
My last big transition year was getting into vet school. It came at a good, natural transition point in my life. I was at a good pausing point in my endurance. I was transitioning to something I thought was worthwhile. I can’t even say that I am viewing that year with rose-colored glasses, because I blogged (and journaled) through that time. I know with certainty it wasn’t that bad even though it was hard.
This transition year isn’t as kind.
I have serious doubts whether going to vet school was a wise decision (and coming from someone who doesn’t do a lot of second guessing of major life decisions, this is saying a lot). It’s a relief to have it be almost over, but the end comes at a cost. I resent aspects about school and my experiences there that I keep out of this blog, but as the count down to graduation has begun, many of those costs are becoming reality. At least leaving my last position I felt like I was escaping to a better life. This just feels like jumping out of the frying plan into the fire.
I also have some serious doubts about being able to do any endurance running or riding this year (because of clinics and some other things on my plate for next year) and I resent it. I feel like Farley doesn’t have that many rides and seasons left, and for the first time in a long time I’m running uninjured and am really close to achieving my super secret running goal (100 miles!). This isn’t a good pausing point.
Having these doubts and feelings certainly doesn’t make a difficult process (change!) any easier.
You could argue that in any year, for any goal, that any control is an illusion. However, illusion or not, that illusion is what keeps many of us striving towards worthwhile things. That notion that somehow if we work hard, put in our homework, and show up, we have a chance of success. I can’t even count on being to show up.
I get it. Transitions are hard. Transitions involve redefining yourself. Typically it takes at least a year for me to put the pieces back together after a transition, and usually I like the person that emerges at the other side better than the person that came before. This one is just proving to be more difficult than most.
So, since I think less talking and more sweating in the next couple of weeks might help me approach 2015 with an adjusted attitude, so that’s what I’m going to try.